Me v. the Turkey, Round 5

This is my fifth year making a turkey.  Round 5 of the annual "Me v. the Turkey" fight.  After a forty-five minute struggle with the Turkey, I won.  He put up a good fight, as he does every year, but I finally got him in the oven (sans stuffing - I gave up on that part after Round 1).  I didn't even need the tongs or the rubber gloves to remove the neck and the organs this year - I toughed it out and did it with my bare hands!  And, I didn't even break any of the bones this year either!

Below, I'm posting my notes from my first go-around with the Turkey.  It was pretty traumatic.


Me v. the Turkey, Round 1

Well, I decided to make my very own turkey yesterday.  My first stuffed poultry experience.  I know, I know, it was a crazy idea - me?  Stuff and cook a whole turkey?  Me - who eats cereal for dinner, and considers making macaroni and cheese cooking?  In fact, I usually just make Velveeta mac and cheese, because Kraft is all complicated, what with adding the butter and milk and everything.  So anyway, back to the turkey.

I can describe the whole experience in one word: nauseating.

First of all, as soon as I cut the wrapping off the turkey, watery blood oozed all over my counter, which I had luckily covered entirely in wax paper (so turkey bacteria wouldn't get all over it).  Gross.

Next, I had to remove the disgusting bag containing the turkey's neck, which had been stuffed up its butt, and the even more horrific bag of internal organs, also known as giblets, which had been stuffed into its neck.  Why?  Why do they take off the neck and put it in the body cavity and then remove the organs from the body cavity and put them in the neck?  Anyway, in order to remove these disgusting items, I had to lift up flaps of turkey flesh and get enough of my hand into the orifice to get the bag out, but not enough to make me puke.  The bags were all slippery with gross turkey juices and hard to get out.  I'm not going to describe all the gross sensations, but I felt like a gynecologist.  The LAST thing I want linked in my mind with the food I am about to eat is a gynecological exam.

At this point in the process I felt entirely nauseated and had no appetite whatsoever, especially for turkey.  I really thought I would never eat a turkey again and that all this disgusting work would go to waste.

Then, it got even better.  I had to rinse out the turkey in the sink, which consisted of pouring all the gross bloody liquid down the drain, and filling it with water until it quit oozing blood.  Then I had to pat it dry with paper towels, so I ended up with a bloody pile of paper towels on the counter.  Then I started trying to put the stuffing inside the turkey.  Again, I found myself asking the question "why?"  Why do we stuff gross, soggy bread cubes inside the body cavities of the turkey where the neck and organs just were?

My mom told me she wraps the wings around behind the turkey so that it is resting on the wings, kind of like a cradle, so the bird looks better.  So I am on the phone with my mom, squeezing the phone between my shoulder and face, trying to maneuver the slippery turkey, getting covered with turkey slime and turkey rub, while attempting to bend its wings behind its back.  It just wasn't working, so Joe took over. I then hear a bunch of cracking noises coming from the turkey.  Joe didn't get its wings behind its back, but he managed to break all the bones in its wings, so they were just kind of twisted around sticking straight up the sides of the turkey - kind of like its being held at gunpoint or something, only the wings are completely backwards.

So we finally just gave up and put it in the oven. It came out 4 1/2 hours later and it was DELICIOUS!  The best turkey I ever had (except for my mom's of course).

Thank God we are having ham for Christmas.